If you were impressed by transformers, get ready to be blown away. I know i was when my father brought home....
THE CHEESE MACHINE
Ok. Lets get some things straight. It doesn't make cheese, oh no, it slices cheese. I didn't know i needed a machine to do this, but thats ok. What i want to know is at what point does a 53 year old man decide he and his family need a CHEESE MACHINE?
Maybe it was when, after seeing the box on the shelf, he read that he could:
"Save money on pre sliced cheese with this slice of heaven"
Maybe it was seeing the picture on the back of self described "famous inventor" David Holcomb with his smug cheesy grin. A grin that i now understand to mean "hahaha you bought it suckers!"
Let me describe the CHEESE MACHINE. Well it combines two of the world's greatest inventions, that being the wheel and of course the guillotine. Having said that, pretty much it's just a plastic box that you put a block of cheese in. Then with the help of an unnecessarily large wheel on the side you push the cheese slightly out of the box, where you use the guillotine to slice the cheese.
The instructions offer additional advice on the best ways to use your new CHEESE MACHINE:
"If cheese does not fit do not force cheese into Cheese Machine. Resize block and reinsert. If at any time you feel resistance, stop and check the machine."
Wait, wait, wait. Resize block? With what David Holcomb? How can i possibly resize my block of cheese without your "slice of heaven"? What would you recommend i do? nibble on it a bit?use a belt-sander maybe? or use... a...knife?
That's right David, a knife. I can use a knife to slice my cheese, proudly carrying on the traditions of my ancestors who for centuries have each at some time or another toiled over a block of cheese, knife in hand, to create their own little "slices of heaven", which they would place on toast and melt under a starry outback sky, and maybe, just maybe they would look up and think "in the future, a machine will do all of this", well they were right, just a shame the machine's so shit.
1 comment:
I can just see the movie now!
The Cheese Machine! Starring... Tom Cruise!
Cruise: Pain is a beautiful thing! *puts his hand in the box*
Johnny Dep!
Dep: With this cheese machine, I will rule the world! *leaps from the top of a giant cheese machine, the wheel of which is being turned yb Johnny Dep clones, all of whom start singing loudly, just to prove that they can*
And many, many more!
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